


awakening

by ikksnay



Series: pressure [2]
Category: Persona 5, Persona Series
Genre: Post-Canon, Trans Male Character, trans!Naoto
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-27
Updated: 2017-09-27
Packaged: 2019-01-06 05:06:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,374
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12204456
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ikksnay/pseuds/ikksnay
Summary: Pancakes. Imbecile.I stalk toward the stage exit, throwing sweet, simpering excuses at the marks who try to stop me. "A new possibility that must be investigated, you see! A realization made on your very stage-- I must thank you!" It’s all I can do to keep from vomiting; I cannot be here, I cannot be talking to these-- things, I cannot be wearing this disgusting white hat when there’s work to be done-- ground to make up. A mistake to remedy.





	awakening

**Author's Note:**

> Just so you know, this is mostly a story about Akechi struggling with anxiety and abandonment, and misused stress medication is involved.

_“...Of course, I hope you don’t mind the nonsense the media has been saying,” I say as casually as I can while adjusting my tie. I can hardly keep my heart from pounding in excitement at my own superiority._

_My senior detective leveled his cool blue gaze at me. “No. I don’t.”_

_He’s left the room soon after. I stare after him with rage. Ridiculous._

* * *

The face from the mirror leveled its gun at me, and my own arm was simply dragged along with it. Doppelgangers, dark reflections, leveling their guns at one another-- one to live, and one to die? Did we not just do this? Did I not just lose? Just another farce. My entire body shakes; the bulkhead behind me offers no support. The silencer wavers as if carving a jagged shape in the air. I may as well have that toy again, for all the good a cold piece of metal does in the hands of one who has already betrayed their purpose.

My own face stares critically back at me as my gun draws a precise bead on my forehead. I close my eyes as our fingers tighten. Last shot. No more nonsense. I will miss, and I will die.

* * *

 

_Pancakes. Imbecile._

_I stalk toward the stage exit, throwing sweet, simpering excuses at the marks who try to stop me._ A new possibility that must be investigated, you see! A realization made on your very stage-- I must thank you! _It’s all I can do to keep from vomiting; I cannot be here, I cannot be talking to these--_ things _, I cannot be wearing this disgusting white hat when there’s work to be done-- ground to make up. A mistake to remedy. Idiot._

 _I grind my teeth-- a terrible habit. Fool. The moment I said it, the basic distrust in the leader and the cat’s eyes had hardened to cold suspicion. Humiliating. Will this ludicrous slip of the tongue be what kills me, in the end? It would only be appropriate for a ridiculous thing to die a ridiculous death, after all. The moment I reach the exit, I stuff my shaking hand into my jacket and scrabble among the debris of the inner pocket for the slim plastic bottle. I fiddle with my phone--_ beginning navigation _\-- I shake three pills into my palm rather than two, but I find three to be at least 125% as effective as two despite the nausea. I slip through the exit and vanish._

* * *

 

My father’s ideal son doesn’t bother taunting me further, but does take the time to twist his face into an unnatural sneer-- my unnatural sneer, I suppose. No wonder I was-- am-- so unwanted. Our identical eyes lock, even as I struggle to focus. His lip tightens imperceptibly. Sound erupts; squeezing leather gloves, then the unnerving _click!_ of twin hammers slamming into place in the same moment... A faint whiff of his coffee. I will miss it. _I don’t want to die._

“Finally.”

Pain. A slim figure. _Not… Robin Hood..?_ Sound. It raises an arm. _No… Not a bow… A sling?…_ Light.

When the ringing fades, I open my eyes. I am alive. I can do nothing to prevent the humiliating surge of relief. The world is blurry; exhaustion? Shock? I reach up to check for a head injury and find a cheek wet with tears. I collapse to the ground, breathing. My head is strangely clear; I failed, but I am still alive. I’m not sure what this means.

A low hiss shakes me from my pointless wondering. A new threat-- I leap to my feet and struggle to bring the swimming room back into focus, scrambling for my scabbard--

Nothing.

The scabbard is gone, along with my cognitive disguise. What's more, the room is empty. My reflection, its servants-- hissing only as they dissolve back into sickening red mists without so much as a final word or squeal. I take a second breath, and slowly collapse to a seat in a corner-- I have to think. My mind is clear. So, then...

“Loki!”

Nothing. _Could it be?_

“Robin!”

...Nothing.

“R-Robin!.. Robin..?”

Nothing.

I’m alone. I don’t even have myself to keep me company anymore. I brace myself for the coming wave of hatred, wrath, revenge, that which has sustained me since my awakening… but it does not come. I am simply… sad, or _empty_ , without even the energy to cry out to the muffled voices beyond the bulkhead. _I’m here! I don’t understand!_ All I manage is a croak as their footsteps fade and the room spins into darkness.

* * *

 

_The first time, our eyes met across the train platform. I found myself strolling over before I knew what was happening-- nothing to worry about. It happens all the time. My “hero of justice” routine has become so natural, sometimes my body moves on its own. Nothing to worry about. I clench my trembling hand._

_We exchanged pleasantries, that first day and the next, again and again. Pointless. A dance of fools. I know exactly who they are, and my own idiocy in giving myself away led to this pathetic routine. The Conspiracy is in its final stages, and the last thing I want is to deal with some imbecilic children who know nothing. I have work to do. The sooner I’m alone, the better._

* * *

 

A siren splits my head awake. My ankles are wet. Other facts are equally slow in returning to my mind. Shido. Ship. Sinking...? Then-- _Boom_. No time to think about it. Fool. I shudder to my feet, and limp to the door control-- that I destroyed. Fool-- or, rather, I thought it was best at the time, I suppose.

A stinging pain races up my leg-- the water! If the sinking of this vessel means the destruction of the palace, then what does the water mean to Shido? Poison? No. Nothing so simple. Failure? No-- if he believes it is not that which will sink his ship, but rather that which his ship will sink _in_ , then it must be something far more virulent, corruptive, poisonous to his cause-- I freeze in place, eyes widening. A genuine detective’s deduction. My first? I chuckle to myself as the pain in my legs fades to warmth. An old sense of comfort in accomplishment returns-- despite my still being baffled as to how I can continue to move without my purpose. No matter. I close my eyes and take a deep, shuddering breath as I allow myself to be submerged in the truth. How hokey.

* * *

 

 _I’m still numb. It’s a wonder I was able to pocket that spare member's card at all, let alone keep up the farce of childishly hiding from mere Shadows. How could it be that-- How_ Robin Hood?! _The name alone is enough for my hand to fly for the slim bottle-- no. Can’t in front of these… targets. I’ve been searching for Robin Hood since my Awakening. I had stolen the address of my erstwhile father’s hideaway under yet another mistress’ name, but instead found myself… here. Something attacked. My body-- my mind-- moved on its own. Robin Hood defended me._ I _defended me. My power. Mine alone, to serve justice as I see fit. But… something was wrong… Robin Hood, twisting and convulsing… Tearing itself to shreds.. Bubbling black and white bile as bones crack and set… My hand spasms toward my chest as my breath catches in my throat._

_No. Focus. When I entered the Metaverse with my marks, I focused on that supposed facade of justice-- and it worked. My cognitive uniform matched it. But… Robin Hood..? Now? Could it be that shallow display of false camaraderie was was enough for Robin Hood to return? How pathetic. All this time, and that’s all it took? Pathetic. Why didn’t you try that? Fool. I carefully slip three pills into my palm when I’m sure the others are distracted._

* * *

 

The moment I come to, I can't help the way my heart leaps with excitement despite the darkness surrounding me. The truth..! Everything will be explained. My powers will be unlocked once more. This miserable failure will be forgotten, and I’ll… I'll...

“You don't know what you'll do.”

I whirl around, heart plunging. I already know who I'll see.

“How did you follow me here?”

“I did not.”

Anger fills me in an instant. “How did you survive?!”

“I was never in danger.”

“You--!” Words fail me as I sink to my knees, shaking with rage. So, the _truth_ in Shido’s reckoning is that I am meant to torment myself.

“No. Why do you assume your prediction about the water was correct?”

 _“Stop mocking me!”_ I scream, nails digging into my palms.

The other considers me silently before responding. “Fool.”

I double over as if shot. It continues.

“It's quite remarkable. In the eight awakenings you personally witnessed, not one of the other users refused themselves after having already made a contract and obtaining their Persona.”

“Shut up. I get it. I'm the only failure.”

The other continues unperturbed. “Is it even possible for such a contract to be broken? It is, after all, one’s own ideal vision of an unbreakable accord with oneself. As we have seen, unbreakable cognition bears unbreakable law in the Metaverse. Therefore, I would say that it's highly unlikely. Rather, wasn't it the circumstances around your own awakening that were unusual?”

It takes me a moment to process the other’s speech. They speak in the familiar tone of my own private ponderings. Wasn’t it always a bit suspicious?

_“Call me--” here, a ghoulish smile tears his face apart for an instant before he hides it once more-- “Call me Igor. I am the caretaker of this place, and thusly rightful caretaker of you.”_

I slowly raise my head. For the first time, I note the other’s golden eyes as they continue.

“Specifically, we have no clear memory of Loki’s awakening.” I flinch at the name, despite the many times it split my own lips in a rictus grin. “Furthermore, your own usage of the Wild Card is severely hampered compared to your counterpart.”

_“When the time comes, and you awaken to that power…" He leans forward with cool expectation in his eyes-- "I have but one simple request: take no heed. Place your trust in the rawest power, and let your most basic desires lead you to greatness,” he concludes with something like a dark purr._

“I'd like to offer the theory that you never made a contract with me.”

Without a further word, my other self offers their hand. Hesitation, doubt, but I accept my help. As soon as my hand touches theirs, I am calm. I am still merely myself, but perhaps that's the best I can hope for after all. I am still shaky, but I stand.

Something in the darkness above the other's shoulder catches my eye: a diminutive yet distinctive mote of blue light. They're everywhere, in fact; odd that I didn't see them before. Each is simultaneously miniscule yet titanic, close enough to warm my skin and yet distant as any star in the sky. I swallow, mouth suddenly dry-- despite the ghostly sensation of warm seawater raising goosebumps on my skin.

“I have one last question.”

“No. I'm sure we will discuss many more to come.”

I shake my head, chuckling at myself. “For the time being, I suppose I should clarify. Where are we?”

Curiosity crosses my other face as everything dissolves into light. “I don't know.”

* * *

 

_A coffee cup is unceremoniously dumped before me with a clatter of diner china. “Order up.”_

_They've stormed off to the other side of the counter before I can thank them, of course. I sigh. The farce continues._ Why do I keep coming back? _I wonder as I take a sip of the familiar house brew… No. It tastes… bad. Not roasted nearly enough. When Sojiro-san emerges from the kitchen, I try to wave him over-- but he's already on his way, chin bemusedly resting in hand._

_“What do you think? First cup for someone besides me to test.”_

_Confused, I struggle to respond. Sojiro continues, smiling slyly at my expression._

_“That bad? I'd be happy to make you a cup myself, of course. Free of charge.”_

_It clicks. I look past Sojiro-san to my counterpart, who quickly looks away. Mouth agape, I struggle to respond. “I…”_

_“Still coming up with a verdict? Don't take too long, now.”_

_I look down into the cup. Unassuming brown liquid, frankly without a particularly palatable taste or aroma. With a deep breath, I steel my gaze, look away from Sojiro with a nod, and address the other end of the counter._

_“Thank you. I'll look forward to my next cup.”_

* * *

 

I awaken in chaos. Well, to be more precise, I awaken in a cluttered alley near the Diet, but something is deeply wrong. The air is thick with the taste of blood and screams of disbelieving horror. Before I realize what I’m doing, I’ve leapt to my feet and rushed into the street. There, above, far above-- there they are. Far too distant to see, but I know. There they are, facing down some sort of glimmering giant-- oddly familiar, but ah, is that all? I smile and shake my head. Before, I might feel fear, or desperation, or wrath, but now I see the strings.

A nearby scream-- of course. I can see them, but others cannot. How unjust. It’s only logical that I do all I can to help-- and how nice it is for logic build me up rather than break me down. I shake two pills into my palm as I turn on my heel to face the commotion. A figure, formerly human-holding-knife, now cackling with glee and tearing itself to shreds from the inside as a dark mass of swirling blades. My face sets in determination as my own form shifts.

“Robin G--!”

I pause and shake my head. Not quite right. I suppose I must look quite the fool, posing so ostentatiously only to pause mid-name. I chuckle at myself once again and concentrate on the slim figure wreathed in rags. A trickster humbled. A lonely soul.

“Puck.”

**Author's Note:**

> I'm not exactly a fan of Akechi, but having a major nemesis character just vanish from a plot is... pretty bad. Here's my attempt to fill in some of those holes.
> 
> I added a bit of drama to Yald's metaverse-real world, too. I figure something like that probably had some wild ramifications on shadows and personas we just didn't have time to see in the game! It's much more exciting, at least.
> 
> Oh, and yes, that was Naoto at the start. After successfully settling his tormented feelings about the internalized misogyny surrounding the idea of an "ideal detective" being male, he deduced that his enjoyment of masculine presentation was not connected to his desires to be an ideal detective. So, he decided to transition after all while at the same time becoming a bit more laid back about that whole need-to-be-ideal thing. Tale as old as time, really.


End file.
